I've been on so many semi-blind dates, I should have a guide dog.

There's a reason I'm single.  I'm counting the experiences one by one.  Below are the first two.

#1. I shall call him (names rhymes with Sherbert) H.
H and I meant through a friend that encouraged me to go on a date with him.  H worked with her boyfriend.  Ok, I thought.  How bad can it be? My friend doing the connecting knew me pretty well (read: I like to drink too much and laugh too loud).  After some texting back and forth, H and I finally set a date for a Friday night.  We were meeting in Times Square for dinner.  Now, this was my first date coming out of a rather poorly ending relationship that should've ended long before it did.  I go to great lengths to straighten my hair, get a new outfit, etc.  So, I get to dinner AT THE ONLY DINER IN TIMES SQUARE and H is already sitting, waiting for me.  Time efficient? Yes. Nice? No. I had NO idea what he looked like.  After I sit down, I think, okay he's cute.  This could work.  Five seconds later I knew I was wrong.  As we are browsing the menu, he subtly mentions that he's using half his paycheck to take me out tonight so if I could please not get a meal that costs too much, that'd be great.  Okay - salad section please.  I shrug it off and pick a salad that interested me.  While we are waiting for food, he thanked me for ordering water because it again, was free.  I'm thinking buddy, I need about 10 beers to get through this.  He then tried to make conversation.  Okay, show me what you've got bud.  When he asked me about law school and I attempted to respond, he cut me off and told me that I'll be taking the LSATs upon graduation.  I politely said, actually it's the bar exam for whichever state I decide to stay in.  No - he insists it's the LSAT and I'm wrong.  I didn't even bother to tell him that LSAT stands for law school ADMISSION test.  Next topic that came up? Traveling.  Perfect! I love to travel.  He asks where my favorite location is ... I pick Costa Rica for the sake of throwing something out there.  He then states, "I've always wanted to travel to South America." I say, "Oh it's actually in Central America." He tells me I'm wrong.  At this point I'm literally laughing so hard that I may or may not have been crying.  I shutup for the rest of the meal and let good old H tell me all about himself.  So after dinner and making a huff about paying $37.00 in TIMES SQUARE ON A FRIDAY NIGHT FOR 2 PEOPLE, we leave.  People were staring because did I mention that H has a very loud voice that carries throughout the restaurant? I didn't? Oh. It did! As we step out into the hustle and bustle of the street, I realize that H is actually way shorter than me and seriously can't stop laughing.  H thinks this means that our date has gone really well and asks if I want to go to a movie, before saying that I'll have to buy my own ticket.  I politely decline and he insists on walking me to the train station.  As I'm stepping onto my train, he says, "I can tell by the smile on your face all night that we really connected and you had a great time! I'll call you early next week for a 2nd date." HA! No. Get a clue, buddy! I then went home and promptly ran into the arms of my friends Mike and Steve and started crying.  H actually made me miss my ex, something that I didn't think was possible. I ran into H a few months later coincidentally at his birthday party of all places on complete accident.  Yeah, awkward.  H still had no clue and somehow had gotten a random snapshot of us when I wasn't looking that he text me a few days later.  Creep.

#2.  Doctor Man.
Doctor Man lived in the same building as my friend down the street in the FiDi.  I was over at her place all of the time watching her dog so one day doctor man asked for my number.  Sure, why not? He calls me and wants to go to dinner.  Okay, great.  We go to dinner.  It wasn't fantastic but it wasn't horrible either.  Doctor man asks for a second date.  Eh, okay.  It was free and hey, I was in law school.  Doctor man takes me to a cute little pizzeria.  (I realize looking back that he only took me to places where people knew his name so that he probably appeared cooler than what he really is - women beware of this tactic!).  After dinner as he's walking me home, we pass by a Duane Reade (drug store for all of you non-Northerners).  Doctor man is suddenly like "Oh My God! I need to go in and grab something! Mind coming with me?" Fine, so I go in.  Doctor man then loudly asks the front desk clerk where they keep their condoms.  I could not have hidden the shock on my face if I tried.  At this point it's too late for me to turn and walk out.  So, I walk to the condom aisle with him.  He then proceeds to get a box of about 90 extra large condoms and walks to the check out line.  My face is now beet red and has an expression of horror all over it.  The Clerk can't stop laughing and makes a wisecrack.  Doctor man makes some kind of comment like, "yeah, with her around I'm gonna be needing these!" Umm... no. Let's just say that Doctor man never used a single one of those condoms with me.