Sarcasm with a Smile

Once I got dumped via text message.  This relationship was already on the way out the door.  Jack Daniels was our third wheel to help us through the long, awkward silences. 

The text went something like this: "Hey Bryce, I've been thinking about this a lot and I don't think this is going to work. Good luck with everything! -D."

My response a few hours later? "But you gave me the best months of my life!"

D's immediate response: "Really? I was having fun too! I just figured you were going to dump me soon so I dumped you first."

Me: "Yes. Best time ever - especially making me walk through the freezing cold to get to your apartment."

D: "Oh ok, so you want me to come over later?"

Me: "No, idiot. I was being sarcastic."

Serious(ly) NOT Interested

And here's another great story...

I was out and met a guy. Shocker, right? He was very handsome, dark, great smile... totally my type.  I coincidentally met him on the street and he followed my friends and I into a bar. He was funny, laid-back, and smart.  Did I mention he also paid for all of my drinks? Because he did. :)  Throughout the course of the night, it comes out that he worked for the World Bank in Kenya and has traveled all over.  Hello, sexy! I tell him about my interests and we really hit it off.  He subtly mentions that he graduated from Harvard Law School. I let it go. I don't really care where you went because at the end of the day your degree isn't going to be what offers me companionship which is what I'm on the hunt for. Mr. Harvard asks for my number.  I don't usually give it out to people that I meet from bars but this guy had "non-serial killer" written all over him so I obliged.

At first things start out great! He calls me at night to ask about my day, he makes me laugh, etc.  Then he brings up facebook.  "Add me on Facebook", he asked. I explained that I don't add a lot of people on my FB because people get the wrong impression and only see me as a partier.  He insisted that he won't be like that.  So I add him.  Almost immediately he makes a snide comment about my 800! pictures.  Ok, first of all - I was at UF when Facebook first came out.  That was 7 years ago.  That averages to about 100 pictures a year which is only 1 picture every 3 plus days, and that's not including vacations! 800 isn't that many! I'm sorry if you don't have friends that want pictures with you, Mr. Harvard.  Anyway, before I know it he's clearly stalking my page because he's making comments that totally give him away.  I'm cringing on the inside but I let it go.  As the week progresses he insists that we should go to dinner a movie on the upcoming Saturday.  Great - but at this point I already had a gut feeling.  Thursday night rolls around and he doesn't call.  Okay, no big deal.  Friday around 11 a.m. he texts me that he's excited to see me Saturday.  Perfect.  Saturday rolls around and I totally have that gut feeling where things aren't working your way. I hadn't heard from him and he had no idea where I lived. (I give my address to NO ONE!) Around 3, I text him knowing full well that he wasn't coming.  He responded with some BS about working, etc.  I'm thinking okay, but you should've text me that on your own. I simply respond "OK" and move on. No man is worth me getting upset over, ever. 

A week goes by and he randomly messages me ON FACEBOOK CHAT!  He proceeds to tell me that I'm the hot, smart, party girl and that he's looking for something more serious than that VIA FACEBOOK CHAT.  I proceed to rip him a new one and point out the idiocy of him saying he wants something serious, but not being able to tell via phone or even text and instead using Facebook chat.  Oh, and did I mention that he was 36?

Winning.